Luc Bouchard with Solve-Act Life Coaching Services. I've been a certified life skills coach for 22 years, and I specialize in men's issues and how men avoid intimacy. Welcome today is the 39th day of the 72 day challenge. We're in week 6, and the weekly theme is intimacy. The daily focus is men in relationships, and the topic is how men give intimacy to get sex, and women give sex to get intimacy.
Yesterday when I started this topic, because we're in second day of a new week, I wanted to really look at how come intimacy kind of freaks men out, and come they stay away from it. The one thing I just want to take a bit further, and just look at a bit more depth, is the whole idea of not only do we avoid intimacy for 3 reasons, and this men, and also for women, but my focus is on men. Not only do we avoid intimacy because of baggage, which is how we've been socialized, so what we believe, because intimacy and vulnerable are kind of ... They're intermixed and they're kind of confused. If you're intimate, then you're vulnerable, and vulnerable is not a great place for men to be, so they want to avoid it because they feel exposed and a bit out of control when they're vulnerable. That's one reason why men will avoid intimacy.
Another reason that men will avoid intimacy is their family of origin. What was it like growing up, and was intimacy a pretty weird thing among our parents, and what did we see on how our parents were intimate with each other, and Was that toxic? The third reason is if we've been burnt, and we had a lot of problems in the past with people hurting us when we have been intimate, and have been exposed, because we were vulnerable. Those are the 3 reasons that we kind of avoid intimacy, is because it's the baggage that we bring forward. Further to that, if we're unresolved with those things, and those have been really problematic, there can be a lot of shame around intimacy. There can be a lot of guilt, and there can be a lot of negative connotations.
If we're not clear on those things, what happens is, is that we're just kind of muddling through life and not realizing that basically we get to a certain point with closeness with people, and then we go the opposite way, or we sabotage, or we create problems within the relationship because it's such a scary place to be. Intimacy is something we all want, we long for it, we all desire to have it, but if it's toxic, and it is a negative thing, and shame-based, then we kind of get to a point and go, "Ah, we don't want to do that. I'll go this far, then I'll stop." Knowing that there's that kind of tone, or that we bring forward is one thing, and that is also something that we don't really want to not have in our life because then we're not really feeling connected to people. We're not feeling like we're actually understood, so there's this kind of push and pull, back and forth about wanting it, but being fearful of it, wanting and being fearful of it.
There's ways that we can get intimacy with others, that are not sexual, that are really quite healthy and I see women doing this all the time with other women, and they're just basically being in emotionally available relationships, intimate relationship, vulnerable relationships, with other women, and with men, that are not sexual. Men tend to do it less because of our fear of being exposed, and fear of doing that, so we kind of ... There's that, we want it but we don't necessarily feel safe with it.
Something I've noticed that is particularly true with men that, there's a saying I heard many years ago that I've really come to believe is true, and that is, "Men give intimacy to get sex, and women, conversely, will give sex to get intimacy." It's really about doing something that we don't really, we normally wouldn't do, to another means. Because we all long to have intimacy, and we all have cravings for intimacy, and you should have intimacy because that's how we feel connected, men will give the pseudo-intimacy with women because then they will, in the means to basically hopefully get sex, and also feel connected and all that kind of stuff.
Whereas women will give sex, so they get the intimacy. We're all trying to get our needs met, but are we doing it the most healthily, in the most healthy way. It's just something I bring forward about understanding that, how do we get our intimacy needs met, and we being authentic? Because if we're kind of acting out and we're doing this stuff because we have so much fear of intimacy, and we only want to go to a certain point, and then we put on the brakes. Well, if you're engaging in these kind of not really honest relationships because you crave to have it, but you don't want to get burned by it, that's problematic, and we're not living an authentic life.
My question is, how do you get intimacy gentlemen, and women? What do you do to seek it out, and do you engage in giving this pseudo-intimacy? This false intimacy, this is really not true intimacy, because what happens is that you're opening yourself and you're exposing yourself, and women want that, and so are you doing that so women will basically be sexual with you? Because what will eventually happen is, that that's not really why you are being intimate, is to a means to an end, then what happens when you've got your sexual gratification needs met? Well then you're no longer open, and women, are you giving your bodies away so that a man will be connected with you?
This is what will happen is, this will be fine for a while, until actually people's true colors came out, and that's when you see it. Then where it's problematic is that we perpetuate the cycle again, because we've been hurt, because we weren't being authentic to begin with, and we were giving ourselves away and then getting hurt once we were exposed. That's what I think what happens to women. I think that men are quite guilty of doing that, of giving pseudo-intimacy, which is about talking about their feelings and that kind of stuff, so that women will open up and be sexual.
I just bring it forward so that we're aware of patterns people are in, or patterns you may be in, so that you can decide whether or not you want to continue doing this, and whether or not that's the kind of authenticity you want to have in your life. There's other ways, men, that you can get your intimacy needs met, and women, also for you. It really does mess people up, intimacy, in a lot ways because of our baggage, and the shame, and how we desperately need it, to be intimate, but we're all so afraid of it.
Luc Bouchard with Solve-Act Life Coaching Services, I've been a certified life skills coach for 22 years, and I look at men, and how they avoid intimacy, and what they do to get their intimacy needs met. I hope you have a great day, and I'll be back for another video tomorrow.