Luc Bouchard with Solve-Act Life Coaching Services. I've been a certified life skills coach for 22 years and I specialize in men's issues and what keeps men stuck. Welcome. Today is the 21st video of the 72-day challenge. Our weekly them is ego, we are in our 3rd week. Our focus is the life skills process and what I do in my coaching practice. I'm specifically going to talk today about taking people from being unconsciously incompetent to unconsciously competent and how that looks and how that works in my practice. I'm going to use some examples about that.
But first, I want to talk about my actual training. When I became a certified life skills coach, it was a very intense process. It was a lot of learning and a lot of changing a lot of my beliefs and a lot of my behaviors. It was 1,000 hours of direct supervision with the trainers in training. This was not easy, there were long days and it's been very rewarding, but we worked and we worked hard. The life skills process is really about helping people understand what their emotions are and what their feelings are and what drives their behaviors through their feelings. As a life skills coach you had to be extremely clear, if you were going to teach people on how to get clarity, you have to be clear on what your stuff is. If you're going to be ostentatious enough to say that "I'm going to help people", you'd best have your act together and you'd best understand what drives you.
A third of the coach's training was really about getting in touch with your own stuff and understanding what gets in your own way. I, like everyone else, had a lot of stuff I had in my way and I had to learn about my belief systems and how to identify feelings and how to be in touch with feelings. After I became certified and I started coaching I was sent up into the Arctic Circle of the Yukon Territory to a fly-in reserve called Old Crow where you actually, there's no roads it was totally isolated, and it was my first coaching experience and I've had many other coaching experiences. That's where I discovered that group facilitation is actually my first love.
I'm going to illustrate the background of taking people from being unconsciously incompetent to being consciously competent through a client that I was working with a while ago. We're going to call him Rick, of course that's not his name. Rick came to me with a lot of dissatisfaction in relationships. He was quite upset with the way people were treating him and handling him and just didn't particularly like one coworker who was not particularly respectful. It was actually a business partner. When I talked to rick about a lot of these behaviors, what became very evident is that he had a real need to be a savior and rescue people. When I talked to him about that behavior, I really brought to the forefront that he was needing to, frankly, be liked. He wanted people to appreciate him and so that's why he went in to save the day. He rescued situations.
When he had a bit of disbelief about this going on, I reflected back to him a lot of other relationships. He was in his 50s and he had a long history of saving people and being very nice guy. He wasn't really respected. What I did with him, is I listened to him to begin with and understood a lot of where he was coming from. I heard about what was happening for him. That's when I helped him become aware of what I call his consciously incompetence. He was aware of the fact that he wasn't happy. He was conscious of the fact that he wasn't happy, but he didn't know what to do differently. He was consciously incompetent. He knew something wasn't working for him, but he didn't know what to do.
In the process of talking about his long-standing behaviors and other problematic behaviors, I was able to get him to understand his unconscious incompetence. Part of his unconscious incompetence was knowing that he was making choices that were really about wanting to be liked and wanting to be valued and wanting to be a nice guy. The problem with this is that, because he was a nice guy and he always settled and he just accepted bad behavior from people because he wouldn't put up boundaries people treated him like crap. After I brought him to awareness about his unconscious incompetence, I was able to illustrate some more about his conscious incompetence and behavior that he makes.
I know this is a quick overview. If you want to learn more, come see me, we'll talk.
From there, after he became conscious of his incompetency I then worked with him on becoming more aware of what else he was having problematic behavior and also his conscious incompetence. We really brought to the forefront, we actually saw what he was doing on a regular basis and saw how he was engaging in those lifelong patterns. What we're working on right now and what we're continuing to focus on is getting him to a point where he is unconsciously competent. That is where he basically engages in behaviors where he doesn't need to think about it anymore and he's making different choices.
What we need to understand about these 4 particular things is that if you have a lifetime behavior of being unconsciously incompetent, it's not going to change overnight. It’s going to simply go away because you're aware of the fact that you've been a nice guy and your pay off to being a nice guy is have people like you so they don't abandon you or they don't dismiss you or whatnot. These are long-standing behaviors that take a while to change. They're definitely changeable, they're definitely doable. It's really about that joke I spoke of last week, a week ago today or 7 days ago, about how many life skills coaches does it take to change a light bulb. That's only 1 and that's if the light bulb wants to change. Rick has got to want to change his behavior. He has got to want to do something different. Wanting it and it happening are 2 different things
That's the process that I go through with people about taking them to a different awareness, because down here when you're unconsciously incompetent, you literally do not know what you don't know and that's okay. How we figure out that we're not functioning very well is we have people tell us or we have situations where it's like "I don't know why this keeps on happening. I don't know why I can't show up on time. I don't know why people treat me like crap. I don't know why I keep losing work." We're unconscious and if we knew we would do it differently. I believe that people will always make better choices when they have the information. This is a model that gives people information saying "Did you know that?" No, I didn't know that. Well, this is what is going on.
Another word for this unconsciously incompetent is your blind sides. That's why we need other people to basically look for us and say "There's something over here" because you can't see it. You have a blinder on. That's why we get help from others to basically go, "I can see what you can't see." The life skills coaching process is about helping people understand what they don't know, bring it to their awareness and then make them see it on how pervasive it is in their lives. Long-standing issues that have been going on for a while are insidious. They happen in many different places in our lives and we don't even see it. I know with lots of people saying you're going to see this showing up, now that you have this awareness that you are conscious of your incompetence you're going to see it in many different place. You're going to be surprised at the places it comes up. I would usually name a couple of them and they would go "No, I don't think so" and they would come back to me and say "Wow, you were right. It really is in all those different places
I'm not just talking about stuff about people enhancing skill sets. I'm talking long-standing behaviors that people have had for a while. Once people are aware of where they're incompetent, then they can actively make choices, if they're motivated, if they desire to do it differently. That's when they become consciously competent and they can see it and they can say "Oh I'm not going to make that choice again. Oh, here I go I'm picking this kind of relationship yet again, or this type of person is in my life again, or I'm finding myself in this situation yet again." Whereas before it was like "It just seems to happen", now it's like you recognize it like a pattern and that's when you become consciously competent. The unconsciously competent is really very cool, when you basically don't even deal with it anymore because it's so old. It's no longer behavior that you have to engage in, so you've really shed it and you've done away with it. Maybe you might fall back in old patterns, but you see it a lot quicker and you have a lot better understanding
I guess in many ways what this really comes down to, I'm going to zoom in her so I can get really close and personal, hello as I get closer. In many ways what we're really talking about is what you'll hear me talk about at the end of most of my videos and that is what do you deserve? What do you want in your life? What do you expect out of life? If you are constantly having problems and you don't know what they are and you're constantly running into having stress and grief with people and having conflictual relationships, what is your part in that? What do you want to be different? What would you like to be different? What are you deserving of? That's why we need to seek help because we don't know what we don't know. That's okay until you keep stepping on the rakes and they smack you in the face and the question is maybe you want to stop walking in a place where there are so many rakes. It's no one's fault but your own in a lot of ways.
I encourage you to get some coaching and to seek some help to understand what gets in your own way. You get to have your own issues. We all do. It comes with having a belly button. I often ask people, what's your payoff to have them? What do you get out of them? What does it afford you to have problems in your life, long-standing problems? Issues that have been going on for decades sometimes. What's your pay off?
For Rick, who wanted to help people and what not, his pay off was so that people would like him. He's a really nice guy, but he wasn't really being responsible to himself. He was being responsible to everyone else and guess what, people treated him like crap. Well, go on there with your bad self then. Continue to be treated that way until you decide you don't want to do it anymore. You're the one losing sleep, not me. You can start addressing this now and get on with it and get some resolution with it or come see me in a decade, your choice.
Luc Bouchard with Solve-Act Life Coaching Services. I've been a certified life skills coach, loving in for the 22 years that I've been doing it because it has really brought me a lot of clarity and peace of mind in so many ways about what drives my behaviors and that can be for you too. Seek help. Get someone to give you a hand. Figure out what you're deserving of and what might happen if you embrace a lifestyle of taking responsibility for yourself. It's pretty free and clearing let me tell you
I hope you have a great day and tomorrow is day 22 and if memory serves I'll be cooking hamburgers, my gourmet hamburgers. They're nummy and I hope you tune in for that. Take care. Have a great day.